Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
