some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
