Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
