The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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