I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
