Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
