They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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