I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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