woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
