Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
