you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
