I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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