someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
