I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
