Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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