I'm so fucking centered right now
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
