You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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