I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
