You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
