Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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