WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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