He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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