You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
