we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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