me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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