It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
