I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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