That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
