When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
