My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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