wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
