i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
