mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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