i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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