So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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