is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
