I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
