I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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