Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
