The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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