Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
