I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
