Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
