Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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