now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
