I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
