Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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