I wish I could teleport
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
