why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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