if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
