The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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