Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
